thinking about my gender, or lack thereof
I don't think about my gender. I have identified as nonbinary and agender for about ten years at this point, and while I use they/them pronouns and ask that my partner and my friends use those pronouns for me, I don't really care if they happen to occasionally slip up or if a stranger misgenders me. I feel really detached from gender.
I don't think of myself as a man or a woman - I think of myself as me. My name is Desi and I think of myself as a person named Desi. I don't experience any dysphoria when I dress a certain way because I don't think clothes are gendered. I don't experience dysphoria when I'm menstruating because I don't think of that as a biological process of womanhood or something - it's just another thing that my body does.
There are some things that cause me to feel... maybe not dysphoria, but as if I'm performing gender. Wearing makeup or having longer hair makes me feel that way. I feel as if I'm a child, trying on their mother's clothes and playing dress-up. I feel as if everyone in the world around me can tell that I'm faking it, that this isn't me, that I don't know what I'm doing and I shouldn't be doing it.
So I avoid those things. I've never worn something like a suit or whatever would give me the equivalent feeling of a child playing dress-up in their father's clothes. I've never felt like anything I do or any way I express myself is attempting to be a 'man,' but I have obviously felt that way about trying to be a 'woman.' Why is it that I can't recall a time of performing masculine gender expression, or feeling uncomfortable with that, but I can recall that exact feeling for performing feminine gender expression? Is it because 'male' things are usually seen as the default, or as what's normal? Even clothing that is marketed as 'unisex' is typically identical to what's in the men's section.
I wonder if I'll experience dysphoria in the future if I ever get pregnant and carry a child. It's a bit odd, to not know what will cause that feeling until it happens. If I feel uneasy and not like myself when my hair gets to a certain point of length, I can resolve that with a haircut. A pregnancy is a wildly different scenario.
I don't bother coming out to coworkers or acquaintances. I just feel like it isn't worth it. I don't have meaningful relationships with them and it doesn't matter to me if they misgender me, misspell my name, or get any details about me wrong.
People want to know if someone's a man or a woman. I have been asked this over various online spaces. And then I say I use they/them pronouns, and that isn't a good enough answer, because, what are you though? It's such a gross way to phrase it, and it feels disrespectful. The only people who need to know the terms of how I identify are those who are very close to me. The only people who need to know what reproductive organs I have are my healthcare providers.
What am I? Why does it matter? These people want an answer that falls within the gender binary. If they're going to be so insistent on knowing about me, why not question who am I, what kind of person am I, what are my values and my interests? I don't understand the weight these people attach to "what" I am. My gender (or lack thereof) doesn't matter to me. Why should it matter to anyone else?